


Double Date Deathtrap

by commas_and_ampersands



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Inappropriate Behavior with Shrimp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-01 07:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12700446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commas_and_ampersands/pseuds/commas_and_ampersands
Summary: Later, Kunzite will console himself knowing that he had told Minako this was a bad idea.





	Double Date Deathtrap

**Author's Note:**

> Written August 2010; minor edits December 2017.

Later, Kunzite will console himself knowing that he had told her this was a bad idea.  
  
"What do you mean?" she'd asked, tilting her head to the side in what she knew was a fetching manner.  "They're our friends.  Well, Rei's my best friend, and she's dating Jadeite, so I should be his friend.  And Jadeite's your friend..." she trails off, eyes bulging.  "Oh no, you do like each other, right?  I mean, I just assumed since you're--"  
  
"No, we're... friends.  As much as anyone can be friends with Jadeite."  
  
"Say what now?"  
  
"Nevermind.  Listen, if you really want to, I guess we can--"  
  
She squealed and flew towards him in a blur of gold and giggles.  She hugged him too tightly and didn't kiss him nearly long enough.  "Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!  You just wait, this will be the best double date ever!"  
  
Kunzite had sighed and wondered why the universe continued to come up with interesting ways to punish him.

* * *

 

That night, Kunzite can't help but feel a little proud of both Rei and Jadeite.  They make it to the appetizers without getting into an argument.  
  
Predictably, Rei starts it.  "I hate when you do that."  
  
Kunzite watches Jadeite mentally count to ten.  Well, he probably only makes it to three before deciding, 'fuck it.'  "You hate when I do what?" he asks between clenched teeth.  
  
"Pull the shrimp out of the shell with your teeth.  You should just separate them on the plate."  
  
"I don't  _want_  to separate them on the plate.  You don't get all of the meat out if you cut them."  
  
Kunzite glances at Minako.  She looks merely confused, not alarmed.  But there's time enough for that.  
  
Rei glares at Jadeite as though he has just announced he wants to run for president of Hell.  "It's barbaric."  
  
"No, you know what's barbaric?  Cannibalism.  Cannibalism is barbaric."  
  
"Wow, isn't this restaurant nice!" Minako blurts.  "I just love the atmosphere... and so quiet!  It's like if you tried  _you could hear every conversation at every table_."  
  
Kunzite leans down and whispers.  "Very subtle."  Minako pinches him underneath the table.  
  
"Fine," Rei concedes, drumming her perfectly polished fingernails on the table.  "Its merely disgusting.  And I don't like it.  And I'd appreciate it if you stopped it."  
  
This borders on reasonable for Rei.  For a moment, Kunzite wonders if Jadeite will take the high road.

Then he remembers who he's dealing with and decides this impulse was unforgivably stupid of him.  
  
Jadeite picks up a shrimp, smirking.  
  
"Don't."  
  
He raises it to his lips.  
  
"You."  
  
He opens his mouth.  
  
" _Dare._ "  
  
He grips the shrimp in one hand and tears the meat from the shell.  Then he chews it with his mouth open for good measure.  
  
Rei throws down her napkin and leaps to her feet.  "I hate it when you do this!  You always do this!"  
  
"Rei, I love you, but people are staring," Minako hisses.  "At you.  Not at me.  Which is just... I don't know, morally wrong?"  
  
Jadeite leans back in his chair, looking like a smug, sullen teenager.  "What?  What do I always do?  Eat shrimp like a disgusting barbarian?"  
  
"You bait me."  
  
"Well, if you didn't make it so easy, maybe I wouldn't."  
  
Rei reaches up to yank her hair and stops short, remembering that its done up.  "Just because something is easy doesn't mean you have to do it!"

Minako does not make a 'that's what she said' joke despite the most obvious prompt in the world.    
  
Jadeite's face manages to make it for her.

Rei lets out a strangled scream.  If they did not have the full attention of the restaurant before, they certainly do now.  "I hate you!"  
  
"Oh, really?"  He rises to his feet.  
  
"Yes," Rei seethes.  
  
"Really?"  Jadeite towers over her in a way that would be alarming if Rei could not immolate him with a thought.  "You hate me."  
  
She takes a step closer to him.  "With every fiber of my being."  
  
They stand so near one another that only the tiniest light can get through.  The restaurant is riveted.  Minako is mortified.  Kunzite wishes they'd get on with it.  
  
Suddenly, Jadeite seizes the back of Rei's neck.  Minako shouts in anger and alarm and moves to tear Jadeite away from her best friend, possibly with a well-placed high-heeled kick.  Kunzite manages to place a restraining hand on her shoulder just before she hits her feet.  He nearly gets the kick meant for Jadeite for his trouble.  
  
Then Jadeite kisses Rei with such violence that Kunzite's teeth ache in sympathy.  Rei claws at the back of Jadeite's neck, not to pull him off but draw him in.  They coil around one another like snakes aflame.  She clutches at him, her perfectly polished nails raking his back.  He ruins her hair.  She doesn't notice.  
  
At an unseen signal (no doubt something south of the border, as it were), Rei and Jadeite pull apart.  They turn to Kunzite and Minako as if just remembering they're there.  
  
"We have to go," Rei says, suddenly polite and ever the daughter of the diplomat.  "I'm so sorry, Minako."  
  
Minako cannot stop gaping to answer.  
  
"I'll let the host know to put it on my account," Jadeite assures Kunzite.  
  
Kunzite waves silently with his free hand.  He doesn't think Minako's going to attack either of the fleeing couple, but he decides not to push her.  
  
Finally, Rei and Jadeite make their way out of the restaurant, flushed and mussed, oblivious to the whispers and muted applause from the other patrons.  Kunzite waits to make sure Jadeite indeed does take care of the bill before turning back to Minako.  
  
He doesn't think he's ever seen her scandalized before.  It's so novel he almost wishes someone could take a picture.  
  
Finally, she rouses herself.  "What."

"I know."

"The."

"Breathe."

"Hell?"

He nods sympathetically and reaches for his gin and tonic.  "Lest you suddenly doubt your reality, allow me to assure you: that just happened."

Minako doesn't poke fun at his unnecessarily stuffy language, she's still so shaken.  "No, seriously.  What _the hell_ was that?"

"I can tell you're trying to make sense of it," Kunzite soothes.  "Please don't.  You'll only get a headache."  
  
"Did you know about this?" she asks, taking her own steadying sip from the pinkest cosmopolitan he's ever seen in his life.  
  
He hesitates.  "I don't want to say that I told you so, but I must remind you that I did say this was a bad idea."  
  
"Why didn't you warn me?" she demands.  He is not surprised she has turned her rage onto him, the only one left, though the least deserving.  
  
Kunzite gestures in the direction they left.  "Would you have honestly believed me?"  
  
Minako considers this and nods, conceding the point.  "Well, you could have said you were sick."  
  
He smirks.  "And been subjected to Nurse Minako?  No, thank you."  
  
She elbows him in the ribs, but she grins a little.  "Meanie."  
  
"Very mean," he agrees.  
  
"So how did you know?" she stage whispers.  "Oh God, does Jadeite like... brag about this?  Because if he does, I will hurt him.  Or better yet, I'll tell Mako, and she'll hurt him, and I'll take pictures."

Kunzite pauses.  "There is a part of me, perhaps a part of me I should not be proud of, which wants you to do exactly that."

"Ooh, I could film it."

"More tempting, but no, he does not brag.  The only reason I know about any of this is because... well, put it this way.  Usagi asked for a double date long before you did."

Minako covers her mouth in horror.  "They did  _that_  in front of Usagi?"  
  
"As I recall, it was a movie.  Rei and Jadeite were snapping at each other during the trailers - possibly during the audience warning on the first trailer.  They left, presumably to finish their argument in the lobby, where they would only disturb people on their way to see a movie as opposed to people trying to watch one.  Only halfway through the film, Usagi wanted more snacks."

Minako winced.  "She never buys enough snacks.  This is exactly why we never go see a movie with Mako.  We buy snacks, she brings snacks, and we almost always make it without having to the end that way."

"A secret I'll have to pass along to Mamoru," Kunzite says.  "Speaking of, he offered to go and let Usagi stay to watch.  Only he stopped in the restroom on the way to the snack counter and saw... some version of that."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but poor Mamoru."

Kunzite chuckles.  "He's generally not a heavy drinker, but that night, I think he tried to burn the memory of it from the inside out with grain alcohol."  
  
"Oh my God," Minako breathed.  "How... How... I can't even come up with a word, but... oh my God."  
  
"That's about as eloquent as one can describe it," he says around the rim of his glass.  
  
"I cannot believe they couldn't keep it together for one meal!" Minako rages, the shock beginning to wear off.  "I just wanted to have a nice dinner with them because I feel like I don't know Jadeite at all.  Well, now I see why.  They're too busy boning like bunnies!"  
  
Kunzite discovers that gin and tonics burn far worse coming up one's nose than going down one's throat.  
  
Minako pats his back while he coughs.  "I mean, the nerve!  I planned this nice evening, I did Rei's hair, I talked you out of that awful tie, and for what?  Way more knowledge of their bedroom habits than I ever wanted."  
  
Kunzite makes a noise somewhere between a cough and scoff. "Please. I hear you asking Rei about it all the time."  
  
"Well, I wanted her to stop being such a prude and tell me!" she snaps.  "I didn't want to have it shoved publicly in my face without warning."  She pauses.  "You know, she's always snarking about you and me and our 'disgusting public displays of affection.'  Which don't get anywhere near that--"

His girlfriend has a rather liberal relationship with the truth on a good day, but Kunzite feels the need to step in here.  "Minako--"

"Last Halloween excepted, obviously."

That hardly covers the full gamut, but he suspects its the only concession he'll get.

"Anyway, I swear the next time she gets high with her horse about it--"

"Gets on her high horse," he corrects absently.

"--I'm so throwing this in her face.  See how she likes it."

"My guess is not very much."  
  
Minako continues fuming for a few minutes before suddenly becoming very still.  A tiny coil of fear unrolls in Kunzite's belly.  He knows that look on her face.  Very little good comes of that look.  
  
"Jadeite said he was paying, right?"  
  
On the other hand, sometimes it is **glorious**.  
  
"Yes, he did say that."  
  
Minako whips open her menu and snaps her fingers aloft.  " _Garḉon_!"  A waiter appears by her side in a moment, one of many who have been hovering around their table since Rei and Jadeite's scene.  
  
"Yes, mademoiselle?"  
  
Minako looks up at him, batting her eyelashes and arching her back to make her cleavage more pronounced.  The waiter admirably keeps his eyes focused on her face, and therefore Kunzite does not feel the urge to tie him in a knot.  "Please forgive my friends' manners, and I do hope you'll forgive mine now.  You see, the gentleman who just left is paying, and I intend to make him  _really_  pay, if you know what I mean.  Now, this place is entirely too nice to actually have prices listed, because money is just so gauche, we all understand.  But if you could make a teeny-weeny exception, would you please be so kind as to tell me what items are the most expensive?  I promise we're - by which I mean my lecherous gentleman friend - excellent tippers."  
  
The waiter recognizes this for the big payday that it is, and smiles at her so widely that Kunzite reconsiders the merits of turning him into a pretzel-shaped human.  "Would monsieur et mademoiselle care for some champagne?"  
  
"We would care for so very much of your finest champagne."  
  
Kunzite chuckles and quietly finishes his drink.  Minako arranged all of this to get to know Jadeite, and she's definitely going to get what she wanted when Jadeite sees the bill.

That, they're definitely going to film.


End file.
